Dear Cory:

A close friend of mine has recently become quite obsessed with former Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev and I fear that his interest may be sexual rather than the usual level of respect one would be expected to have for a war hero and recipient of (count ’em) four ‘Hero of the Soviet Union’ medals. While Brezhnev’s communist credentials are beyond reproach, his major shortcoming is that he died in 1982. This being the case, my friend’s infatuation seems like a bizarre form of necrophilia. Is there an appropriate way for me to raise the subject with him, and perhaps steer him toward living communist leaders such as Mikhail Gorbachev or Kim Jong Il?

One Confused Communist

Dear OCC:

Cory thought you must run with a very odd crowd until he thought some more. Fear not; it will all come right in the end.

You use the phrase “bizarre form of necrophilia”. Cory is perplexed. Is there a non-bizarre form of necrophilia? Your friend surely realizes that Leonid Brezhnev’s body, unlike that of Lenin, was not preserved and thus there is no chance of current bizarreness (Lenin’s embalmed body, by the way, needs daily injections, a yearly bath in potassium acetate, alcohol, glycerol and quinine, and treatment with hydrogen peroxide to remove emerging “dark spots”). Since gay men love shiny objects, it is more likely your friend was dazzled by the four Hero of the Soviet Union medals (Brezhnev sports the two he had received to date in the picture below). Who doesn’t like a gold star on a red ribbon?

 Why four of the same award, you ask? Since no higher award exists, if you have need to continue toadying up to a previous recipient who shows unexpected longevity, you must keep awarding the same thing. The same principle applies at Hollywood’s Academy Awards.

Your close attention to previous columns would have alerted you to “bears”, one of the ways gay men categorize male morphology. Bears are husky, hairy hombres. Brezhnev was in latter life a bear — and how fitting this animal is the symbol of Russia. His eyebrows alone qualify him, with their luxuriant, bristly march across his forehead (Cory knows for a fact Brezhnev had no hair on his chest since his willowy research assistant brought him a very scary picture). Cory first thought your friend is a bear fancier since he finds this icon of dead ideology appealing. Such is not the case.

 In your linear way, OCC, you have overlooked the only logical answer to the case of your friend. Consider the following picture of Leonid at twenty-nine in his pre-bear days (1936):

 You sense, no doubt, that your friend has not been entirely forthcoming. The reason is not as perverse as you seem to think. Obviously he has invented or has access to a time-machine. Death means nothing to him, because he can travel to Russia in 1936 or earlier and visit Leonid in all of his dark, brooding, youthful juiciness.

Your friend is one you would be well-advised to cultivate and keep. He is in a position to purchase you Microsoft stock on March 13, 1986, the date of its first offering to the public. How to cultivate, you ask? Cory suggests finding a Hero of the Soviet Union medal as a little gift for your friend, presented on his next birthday with a knowing wink.

Since Cory is certain one, perhaps two, questions linger in your mind, let him add to your education by telling you how gay men would categorize the “types” of Mikhail Gorbachev and Kim Jong Il. They are, respectively, “chub” and “troll”.

It’s wonderful to hear from a communist. Thank you for your willingness to share, at least in theory.