Dear Cory:
It has been so long since you deigned to enlighten us about finding a way with the world, that I have little hope my question will be answered, but here goes: what is the proper use of The Facebook?
Allergic to Memes
Dear ATM:
Cory has been paralyzed with a dual diagnosis of lassitude and writer’s block that threatened to be terminal for the storied “Ask Cory” column. You have somehow revived him! But not deigning, as you put it, implies a frosty aloofness and condescension on his part; be assured neither is the case. Cory excels at several kinds of connection but sometimes fails at the method. The Facebook (thank you, ATM, for using its original and superior title) excels at the method but generally fails at connection. It fails because it taps into some of the least attractive human qualities.
Cory’s onetime boss described a particularly loquacious manager as someone who “talks until he thinks of something to say”. If you present someone with a medium and an audience, it can fool them into thinking they have something to say; so it is with The Facebook. It particularly seems to fool the boring, narcissistic, competitive, illiterate and vacuous. A post to The Facebook that is short, witty, charming and uses standard English to express an original insight is a rare gem. Some rigor in choosing “friends” with whom to hold social intercourse is required, and even more rigor in monitoring their postings, if The Facebook is not to become an irritant and timewaster. The meme mongers, theme grinders, misattributed quotation floggers, bleeding deacons, inspiration pedlars and advice-givers must be excised.
Cory also abhors the use of the rude imperative in postings. Here’s the first one found in his “feed”: “Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had”. Cory wants to scream in the retaliatory imperative, “Stop telling me how to live”. Removing such a “friend” and their impudence should be done with a brief, polite explanatory note, for everyone wants to know how to improve themselves, do they not?
The proper use of The Facebook is to amuse, enlighten and surprise. It is not to flog your philosophy of life. If you believe that “everything happens for a reason”, that “Jesus loves you”, or that angels hover over you, showering you with blessings, please allow others to have their philosophy and stay quiet. Your model could be Oscar Wilde. Though his aphorisms were designed for dinner parties, an earlier social medium, he valued an extreme economy of expression as he amused, enlightened and surprised (perhaps Twitter would have been more his medium…he would have had characters to spare). You can’t go wrong with Mr. Wilde. You could go wrong if you take him as your model in choosing young male companions though; if you doubt Cory, download a picture of the pasty and treacherous Lord Alfred Douglas.
Please remember, as you grace The Facebook with your presence, ATM, that very few will be interested in pictures of your food unless it’s your last meal before execution. That would be fascinating! Limit yourself to one “selfie” a year – we like to see how fast you age, but not your every expression. The use of guilt to get people to repost dubious offerings, as in “only ten percent of my friends will care enough to put this in their status” is vile. Share the exotic and rare (insight, for example). After absorbing these simple guidelines, send Cory a friend request.
